Have you ever tried to fight back your tears on the bus ride home, but failed? Have you ever lied about why you look so "tired", why are your eyes so watery? And people believed it?

At times, I wished I was strong enough and courageous enough to cry in public. I wished I didn't have to fight back the urge to cry. I wished I didn't have to fake that smile or laughter, to cover up the shakiness of my voice, and the non stop quivering of my lip.

I'm so sick and tired of acting like I'm fine because truthfully, I'm not. I'm not always as confident and bubbly as I seem. There are actually many nights and many days when all I want is to be lie in my bed and do nothing, not even thinking about anything. Sometimes I don't want to talk about what's bothering me. Sometimes I just want someone to tell me, everything is going to be okay.

.

dont you hate it when you're kind enough to give people a second chance or maybe even a third one and they just take advantage of it bc they know they'll always get another one?

honestly, i've came to a point in life where i get so sick of chasing people and trying to fix all the meaningless shit. its not that i dont need them neither am i giving up on them. i just simply feel like i've done too much and i've tried my best. if my best wasnt enough to make them stay thn theres probably nothing else i can do. tbh i really want them in my life but im not strong enough to face another fight. its feeling more and more like an uphill battle and i dont have the strength anymore. yknow, i wasnt made for this..

people often think im strong enough to face everything all by myself but no. i also need someone by myside to listen to all my problems. just bc im used to showing my "strong" side to people, they think that i'll always be ok, no matter what. they think that im gna be standing strong no matter what they say. but let me tell you, they are soooo wrong. i have this thing called feelings too. i feel, yknow. i feel the anger, the pain, frustration and every single thing the others do. so what makes them think that im gna be fine? 

by far, the most valuable lesson i've learned is to never love anybody else more than how much you love yourself. this is one of the biggest mistake one could ever make. along the way, i've also learned that you should nevert trust anybody too much or let anybody into your world too easily. so in the end, i've learned that to prevent yourself from getting hurt and used, you've got to put up a wall, a boundary. 

"you know those moments when you want to breakdown and hug someone, but can't do because you don't want to show your weak side to others? the moment when you feel so alone, and every single thing is hurting? when you feel so helpless? the only thoughts in your head are negative and it makes you feel totally alone, like you are nothing in this world.. all you wanted to do was to talk to someone about how you feel, but you don't want people to pity you. and even if you really wanted to, nothing would come out right.. you don't want to laugh, smile, whine or argue, or even be stubborn or difficult, you just want to be alone and cry all you can and hope that this feeling will go away soon. well, sometimes it does, and of course sometimes it doesn't. even if it does, it will eventually still come back another day and haunt you. it never goes away, never. one day after another, and all you can do is just lie down and feel terrible. there isnt a way to explain to anybody how it feels because you yourself dont understand what's going on, you just feel this way.

there will always be those days where all you want to do is stay in bed, let the world crash over you like giant wave, and just sleep it all off. you just want to get away from everything, cancel every single plans and just stay in bed. you just don't want to talk to anybody. the emotion is so intense to the extent that you dont even want to act like you're happy. everything is intensified and you just want to be alone. you dont want people to be asking "what's wrong?" or "why are you always like this?". you just want to shut everybody out. you just lie there and hope that the feeling will pass soon and that you will be able to be yourself again, but until then all you can do it wait."

You know that feeling when you're on the verge of giving up but you don't want to? I've gotten to a point where I don't want to try anymore. It's like the more I try, the more I screw up. The more I train, the more I'm "deproving". I dont know whats happening to me rn but its rly bringing me down. Everything came crashing down all at once and im rly tired of standing up. im sick of picking up all the shit thats thrown at me. i honestly do not know what have i done to deserve all these but certain things are not within my control and i cant do anything about it.

-

"i know people change and these things happen but i remember how it was back then" 

well yes, people change. and once they start changing, you begin to lose them. that's probably the scary thing in life, huh?

well, the scary thing about life is probably having tons of people leaving you. regardless whether isit family, friends or even your partner, it sucks to lose them. anyone. but this is life isnt it? i mean, its part and parcel of life. all we can do is to suck it up and move on, yeah? i've watched so many people enter and then leave my life its starting to become a norm. like someday i would feel nothing anymore about people leaving. i know that someday, just someday, i will be strong enough to face the world alone bc in the very end, i'll still be standing alone, handling everything the world is throwing at me. 

what shocks me the most is realising the number of people i've lost along the way. some left, to a better place while some, for someone better. and all this while, i had to carry on smiling, telling everyone "its ok, im ok" when in fact im not. im totally not ok with people leaving me. its like as if my life is just a playground to them; once they had enough fun, they just leave. without even looking back.. sometimes i rly wna let them know how much they are hurting me just by deleting me away from their life but i figured out that they probably wont care. so i chose to keep quiet. but they took advantage of my silence. just because i chose to keep quiet doesnt mean im not hurting. how can i not be hurt when they just enter my life, mess everything up and then leave? it might be easy for them, but not for me. it kills me a little each time i realised theres one lesser people by my side. im so tired. really really tired. sometimes i just wna stop trying and let everything go but i rly cant afford to lose anyone anymore. ugh, life..

-

i wonder if you remember all the memories we shared, its like a long time has passed and we're back to square one. back to those times where we dont exist in each other's life. it's hard to believe that we were once so close. i never thought this would happen to us but i rly hope you'd remember everything about us and all the little things that you knew about me. and ofc, i wished our conversation will never be forgotten... 

"the saddest part is when the person who gave you the best memories becomes a memory."

what hurts the most was rly, being so damn close. after we drifted, i wonder if you ever think abt me. i wonder if you ever felt sad bc we are no longer who we used to be. you became a memory to me. you're my saddest, my most painful memory but at the same time, also my favourite memory. ofc i'd feel sad to know that we've became like this but i knew its my fault.

"sometimes you have to give up on people. not because you dont care, but because they dont."

probably the first and the last group photo. till we meet again. ♡

past tense

yep, i do miss the times when you're around. Back thn, everything was so fine, so perfect. It feels like nothing would ever go wrong. But its never the same now... You left. Our story changed, as you changed. And i know, things would never be the same anymore. I tried forgetting you, i tried. I tried everything i could to forget about 'us'. But i couldnt bring myself to, bc there was so many, so much memories we both had together. And all these matters to me, it does. 

But now its different. Im a changed person.  im no longer your ghost. im better and fine without you. And yeah, im erasing you. im gna be so, so happy.