When I look at you..

LongYingJieeee , <3 Back to those old days, iloveher ! :)

Travelling became so much easier when you're with those friends with bikes, isnt it? :)

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.6

Have you ever felt like you're really on the verge on crying, you feel so empty in the stomach, a little chill surrounds you with the goosebumps, you bite onto your lips, you try not to speak because you know another word will cause those tears to start forming within the white corners of your eyes... and you'll be like, "not now, please. don't cry now, keep on smiling. don't think about it. some people are not worth it." But you just couldn't help it but to let those tears run down your cheeks. It hurts.

I always try to convince myself that I'm over you. I tell myself that there is no more love left in my heart. The thing is often sometimes, the more someone tries to convince themselves, the more they will realize how much they still and always will love that person that they are trying to forget.. Of course I will meet new people and fall in love again. Of course I'll hate you sometimes and seek new ways to hurt you. But there's always a history between us that won't let me forget you no matter how much it hurts. :( So many memories, so many inside jokes, so many stupid fights. Everything crazy seems to happen when I'm with you. /:

Do you think its easy being me? Do you think that its easy putting on the act that I do everyday? I smile when all I want is cry, laugh when all I want is die. I want to tell everyone how my world fall apart each night when I am lying in bed with tears in my eyes, pleading for an easier life. I want to let everyone know what its like to be like me, pretending to be happy, pretending to be myself. If it was up to me, I wouldn't be pretending, I would be actually happy. Too bad its not.

I'm sorry I'm ALWAYS injured. I'm sorry I'm a burden in this team. I'm sorry I'm not good enough. I'm sorry I'm not like the old sinping. I can't run fast, I can't contribute to the team anymore. But I'm trying to improve, trying to be that girl who can still run, and help the team. But honestly, I can't do it with you demoralizing me all the time, after every match. I know you meant well, but those words are... so hurting. You told me you want attendance, and yes, I tried to make it to every training, I even skipped my extra lessons. And thn you told me you want improvement, so I train more, more than others. What more can I do? I'm doing my best already, but what went wrong? I don't understand. Do you know why I'm always feeling reluctant to go for training? Its because of you. Whenever I go to training, you would only either scold me or ignore me. I'm like transparent...? I hate it. I feel so lousy all the time. I feel like I can't even be compared to a junior. And I hate feeling this way. You make me feel so useless. You make me feel like, my best is never ever gonna be enough. I'm sorry I'm such disappointment, I'm sorry for being so lousy.

You know, that bus stop reminds me of you. ): It reminds me of the past, how close we was in the past. And look at we now? We don't even talk. Pathetic much eh? I remembered that day, on my birthday. I was having a moodswing and I really don't wanna talk to you. I just wanna distance myself from you and yet you kept on talking to me, trying to make me laugh and also trying to find out what happened. I got pissed off and don't feel like talking more. But you just somehow managed to make me smile with your craps. (': I doubt you remember times like this.. But I do, I remember every single moment spent with you. (': That bus stop, reminds me of everything. All the good memories, and the bad one. ): All those fun times we had. That day when we went to take neoprints.... (': The first time we listened to that song... /: Ohwell, I really miss you. I miss you more when DB asked what happened to us. Idk what to say. I only smiled and say, "same old shit happened." He don't get it, neither do I. Maybe that same old shit refers to people leaving? Hah, idk. Okay why the fuck did I drag things here. Urgh. ): I miss you, miss going out with you, miss punching you, miss talking craps with you, miss laughing at your lame jokes, miss walking to that bus stop with you. ): I miss everything. The story of us, looks a lot like a tradegy now. Sad isn't it? Hais, already the 10th day. ): Maybe I should stop waiting. You're never gonna talk to me again. ): Give up sp, give up. Stop waiting for something that is no longer there. Stop waiting for something that wouldn't come back anymore..

It's already the 5th day...and we're still not talking. It felt like as if 5 months have pass. Things changes. We don't talk and hangout anymore. You changed, to a person you said you'd never be. You lied. You broke all the promises. How could you do this? :( Remember that night? You promised to bring me out everyday after your exams. But I doubt its gonna happen uh. You promised to teach me how to play ball. You promised you would watch that movie with me. I doubt all this is gonna happen uh. Have I done anything wrong? Is it you, or does the problems lies with me? :( I don't want what to do anymore, except wishing for you to remember, that you actually promised to do alot of things with me. :( I miss talking to you. I tried starting a conversation. I opened my whatsapp, opened our conversation and wrote something. But after umpteen times of reconsideration, I erased everything and closed my whatsapp. I really wanna talk to you, but at the same time, I really don't wanna bother you. :( You know, life sucks.

- I spend almost every moment of everyday wondering,

why am I not good enough for you.

I wish everything can go back to how it was before that night, that fight. I'm tired of being like this. Tired of struggling everyday. No one will ever understand how much it hurts, no one will. I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm sick of acting like everything's fine. I'm losing my mind yet all I can do is keep quiet and continue smiling like nothing's wrong. /: I can't really describe how I'm feeling now. And this feeling sucks, seriously. I can't stand this kind of pain, and I can't make it go away. ):

Everyone thinks I'm a happy person and that I have everything under control. What they don't know is that I'm dying on the inside. And I don't have it all under control. I'm already on the verge of falling apart. I'm so tired of feeling like this. Tired of fighting the urge to cry, every single night. Sometimes I just feel like breaking down, and say I'm not okay. ): I sometimes feel like I'm on the verge of blowing up. All the problems, stress bubbling up, but I'm never able to let it out. Urgh, never mind. What for saying so much, right? Nobody will ever give a damn about it anyway.

- come back to me like you did before you say its not that easy,

before the fight, before I let you go.