L i f e .

Life...? HAHAHA. What can I say about it? All I really know about life is that it was NEVER fair, and I don't understand why. People said, be positive, and everything would be okay. But do they know what I've been through? Have they ever walked in my shoes? They don't understand how it feels, to have so many fucking problems piling up at a time. I got so fucking sick of all these problems that I'm getting speechless. All I feel is pain. Yes, really just pain. Pain have totally conquered me. It took over all my emotion. I feel pain even when I smile, or even when I laugh. Crap much? Pain, pain and still pain. I really wanna know how it feels like to be happy.. really really happy.. Some people told me, destroy what destroys you . So that the pain would stop . But often the problems is I'll end up destroying myself . It was my mind thats destroying me , and if I were to destroy the thing that destroys me, I'll end up destroying myself. Somehow I'll end up destroyed in anyway.. But sometimes it really sound like a great idea to die.. Someday when there is nothing left for me to hold on, I'll probably just end this shitty life. I don't even think that people would realise that I'm gone . Because no one will give a damn about me. They don't care. Nobody would ever care. They are just curious. Everybody is just curious about what happened, they don't care. Nobody will ever care about what's happening in my life. And I have to accept the fact that at the end of the day, I'm gonna be on my own. Because people come and go. They come into my life and leave the moment they have enough fun. Nobody have ever thought of how I'll feel.. they don't know how much it hurts , to have people going in and out of your life , all the time, as and when they like it . They come into my life, and make it seem as if they are gonna stay for long. So when I finally start to get used to having them in my life, they decides to leave. This hurts. Many people would say, "it's okay" "you're gonna be fine after a sleep" but it's not. It's not okay, and I'm not gonna be fine. They just don't fucking understand it . Of course they think they do understand, but... owell ~

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Replacement ?

It feels like everybody is taking me as a replacement . Yeah , really everybody, every single person in this world .. it feels so sickening , waking up every morning and having to accept the fact that I'm not important , having to accept the fact that I will never be good enough .. This kind of feeling really suck , a lot . I really hope that things would change. I want to change my life. No words could describe how much I hate this shitty life of mine . Yeah, I know life is supposed to be full of challenges, but ain't those challenges supposed to make me stronger than before ? But why do I feel like as if it's breaking down bit by bit ? I became someone different . Yknow, i used to be so strong. Really. But now ? Things really changed . And I miss being me . I miss being happy. I miss the past. I have no stress then. No problems, nothing to worry about. Hundreds and thousands of problems now, and it's killing me. Isn't it too much for a fifteen years old? If it's a process of growing up, thn forget it. I don't wanna grow up anymore..

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The past seemed so perfect .

Decided to post a very random post because I really really miss this girl so much.

KellyPehJiaYu, yeah my friendsforever. I met her through basketball . I'm so glad I came into Sengkang because I got to met her . :') She was the one who made life in sengkang so wonderful. :') She's the one that could really make me laugh like mad. We used to be so close , but things changed. We drifted, and now she's gone. I really miss those days were we go out for lunch together and stuffs. It would always be a disaster as we would laugh anywhere, anytime, even in the quietest place. Public nuisance , yes the both of us. Hah. Amazing how things change huh ? Really miss those old days. Recess together, gossiping together, crying and laughing together too. I miss SYF times. We were arranged to sit together , and yeah , there was never a day where I fail to laugh because she's always beside me .
We play games and laugh secretly to each other when others is trying to be serious . We crap and do stupid things all the time . Breakfast together at VariNice when we're both late for school , singing random songs together at the same time and also playing lame and stupid games together. We'd always laugh when either of us fall . We always get scolded during training for not being serious, but neither of us give a damn to coach. Our first reaction: laugh.. and do a few pumping to entertain coach.
I really miss those days. Wish I have a time machine.

One step closer .

I really really really hate the life I'm living now. Seriously. My happiness is like a curse to others . When I'm happy, all my friends is upset. I don't know why the fuck izit this way, I just feel so....fuck up? Why izit that when something good finally happened to me, something bad would happen to my friends? Izit a hint showing me, telling me that , my smile and laughter is a curse ? Yeah, of course certain people would say that I think too much.. but I'm not. This happened more than once. People would say that I'm paranoid, and others.. But they all never thought of how it'll feels like to be me, to be in this kind of fuck up situation .. They would think that they understand, but they don't...really..

In another life, I would make you stay.

A lot of things changed recently. Nothing is going the way I want it to, problems after problems, all my problems piling up. Been rather confused with myself recently. Dont know what the fuck is wrong with me.. Got my feelings all mixed up. Feeling damn fuck up, no joke . Clique falling apart, people leaving, friends changing... Why izit always the same shit that happens to me? Even the only person that really understand me well changed.. She totally changed into someone i don't know anymore . Maybe it's me that doesn't truly know her from the start uh.. Ugh. Been so long since I feel so fuckedup. Why must things change just when I finally thought that my life is gonna change , and become slightly better? Really sick of every single thing that's happening in my life. I hope someday, someone would just come along and bring me away from all these misery. I really had enough of this ridiculous life of mine. Feel so fuckedup and lost.. confused.. Have you ever felt like everything is meaningless and you don't feel like living anymore? Have you ever feel that if you told someone how you truly feel, they will ignore you, start avoiding you and ending up as stranger? Have you ever felt that fear? Or or maybe if you just be yourself, just being you, people will think that you're not good enough? This is how I'm feeling everyday. Fuck this shit. No one will ever understand how much it hurts. This feeling is killing me. I wish I know how to make it go away..

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Cause when a heart break, no it don't breakeven.

Hihiiiiiii :D Out with IrisLin to town and vivooooo!! Had fun, shall let the pictures do the talking. Byeeeeee ^^