Have you ever tried to fight back your tears on the bus ride home, but failed? Have you ever lied about why you look so "tired", why are your eyes so watery? And people believed it?

At times, I wished I was strong enough and courageous enough to cry in public. I wished I didn't have to fight back the urge to cry. I wished I didn't have to fake that smile or laughter, to cover up the shakiness of my voice, and the non stop quivering of my lip.

I'm so sick and tired of acting like I'm fine because truthfully, I'm not. I'm not always as confident and bubbly as I seem. There are actually many nights and many days when all I want is to be lie in my bed and do nothing, not even thinking about anything. Sometimes I don't want to talk about what's bothering me. Sometimes I just want someone to tell me, everything is going to be okay.

.

dont you hate it when you're kind enough to give people a second chance or maybe even a third one and they just take advantage of it bc they know they'll always get another one?

honestly, i've came to a point in life where i get so sick of chasing people and trying to fix all the meaningless shit. its not that i dont need them neither am i giving up on them. i just simply feel like i've done too much and i've tried my best. if my best wasnt enough to make them stay thn theres probably nothing else i can do. tbh i really want them in my life but im not strong enough to face another fight. its feeling more and more like an uphill battle and i dont have the strength anymore. yknow, i wasnt made for this..

people often think im strong enough to face everything all by myself but no. i also need someone by myside to listen to all my problems. just bc im used to showing my "strong" side to people, they think that i'll always be ok, no matter what. they think that im gna be standing strong no matter what they say. but let me tell you, they are soooo wrong. i have this thing called feelings too. i feel, yknow. i feel the anger, the pain, frustration and every single thing the others do. so what makes them think that im gna be fine? 

by far, the most valuable lesson i've learned is to never love anybody else more than how much you love yourself. this is one of the biggest mistake one could ever make. along the way, i've also learned that you should nevert trust anybody too much or let anybody into your world too easily. so in the end, i've learned that to prevent yourself from getting hurt and used, you've got to put up a wall, a boundary. 

"you know those moments when you want to breakdown and hug someone, but can't do because you don't want to show your weak side to others? the moment when you feel so alone, and every single thing is hurting? when you feel so helpless? the only thoughts in your head are negative and it makes you feel totally alone, like you are nothing in this world.. all you wanted to do was to talk to someone about how you feel, but you don't want people to pity you. and even if you really wanted to, nothing would come out right.. you don't want to laugh, smile, whine or argue, or even be stubborn or difficult, you just want to be alone and cry all you can and hope that this feeling will go away soon. well, sometimes it does, and of course sometimes it doesn't. even if it does, it will eventually still come back another day and haunt you. it never goes away, never. one day after another, and all you can do is just lie down and feel terrible. there isnt a way to explain to anybody how it feels because you yourself dont understand what's going on, you just feel this way.

there will always be those days where all you want to do is stay in bed, let the world crash over you like giant wave, and just sleep it all off. you just want to get away from everything, cancel every single plans and just stay in bed. you just don't want to talk to anybody. the emotion is so intense to the extent that you dont even want to act like you're happy. everything is intensified and you just want to be alone. you dont want people to be asking "what's wrong?" or "why are you always like this?". you just want to shut everybody out. you just lie there and hope that the feeling will pass soon and that you will be able to be yourself again, but until then all you can do it wait."